What Smoking Can Do To Ya
by uncle T
Summary: Crack. OOC. OneShot. Rated T I Guess. Da Title Says It All... Juz Read 'n Review Y'all. Peace Out! Oh It's 'bout da eversofamous Akatsuki btw


**What Smoking Can Do to You**

In some random dark dimension.

"Pain, I want chocolate…" a blue-haired woman said demandingly.

A red-haired man turned around to show his cold yet confused face. He kept on staring at her until he finally asked her back, "… What?"

"I want chocolate! Give me some chocolate, dammit!" she demanded even more forcefully now.

Pain stepped back as Konan started to flail her arms around, demanding Pain to give her some chocolate.

"Konan! What's gotten into you?!" he asked dodging her arms.

"I don't know, just give me some chocolate, dammit!" she said furiously, her arms kept flailing around, this time with kunais on both hands.

"I don't have any chocolate, beside I thought you hate chocolate!" Pain asked as he managed to dodge a close one.

"I do! But I want… wait, I hate chocolate?" Konan stopped flailing her arms when she noticed something wrong.

"What are you talking about? Of course you do, you even burned the entire chocolate factory in this country down and in addition to that you even put some explosive tags to blow its remnants, remember?" Pain asked Konan who started to ponder.

"… I did, didn't I? Oh well, sorry for that then, I'll be on my way, see you" Konan laughed nervously before running off, leaving a confused Pain alone.

"The hell was that all about?" he asked himself as he arched an eyebrow but shrugged it off.

When he was about to go on his way, he was abruptly stopped by a pair of red, omnipresent eyes.

"Itachi? What's wrong?" he asked the sharingan user.

"Pain, I want pocky…" Itachi demanded coldly.

Pain sweat-dropped and had his mouth hanging unconsciously. "What?"

"I said I want pocky… give it to me… _now_" Itachi glared menacingly at Pain, his sharingan starting to form the ever-so-popular mangekyou sharingan.

"But I don't have pocky with me! And why would I even have pocky with me to begin with?!" Pain asked Itachi, who had his mangekyou ready.

Pain braced himself for Itachi's Tsukuyomi or Amaterasu attack, but it never came. Then he took a glance at the Uchiha genius, who was standing there quietly.

"You don't? Then tell me from the beginning, damnit… Wasting my time… Tch" Itachi said and walked off, leaving Pain alone.

"…Seriously, what the hell was all that about…?!" Pain asked nervously as he started to walk off once more.

However, his step was stopped once again, this time by a bluish guy with a huge bandaged blade.

"Kisame? Oh shit… what now?" Pain asked himself as if could already predict what's going to happen next.

"I want a shark-fin soup… make me a shark-fin soup" Kisame demanded at Pain, who was now rubbing his temples.

"Look, Kisame… Aren't you very fond with sharks? Why would you want food with shark in it?" Pain asked Kisame, trying to keep his cool.

"…I don't know. Oh well, forget what I said… See you later, boss" with that Kisame dashed away, leaving Pain, alone once again.

"… Something's definitely wrong with them…" he muttered sounding slightly annoyed and was about to walk once more, before he thought of something.

"_I bet someone's going to stop me in my…_WHOA!" Pain yelled in surprise as Deidara suddenly appeared out of nowhere, right in front of him.

"Pain… I want Shonen Jump, give it to me, hn" Deidara demanded as he stretched his hand out.

Pain was starting to twitch at his comrades' weird demands and decided to just finish it off quickly and go about his way.

"I don't have it"

"Liar, hn"

"Why would I lie?"

"Because I know you have it, hn"

"But I don't have it because I don't even know what that is" his eyes twitched.

"… I know you know what Shonen Jump is, hn"

"No, I don't"

"You don't?"

"I don't…"

"… Oh well, alright, see you later then, hn!" Deidara said as he waved his hand away and went about his way, leaving Pain alone, once again.

"Okay, who's next..." Pain asked feeling annoyed.

To his surprise, nobody came to him this time. He glanced from left to right to see if no one's really coming at him with weird demands, and when he saw that no one was really coming, he shrugged and took a step forward.

"_Really something's wrong with…_ WHOA!!" Pain yelled in surprise once more when someone greeted him from behind. It was Sasori.

"Hello Pain, I want a new puppet…" Sasori demanded through his puppet eyes, Hiruko.

By that time, Pain was now on his knees, rubbing his temples harder than before and sweat-dropped even more. He was also feeling even more annoyed.

"I'm sorry Sasori, but I _don't_ have any puppets…" his voice showed a hint of annoyance, but Sasori just shrugged.

"Oh well, it's alright… I'll be going then… see you" Sasori said as he walked off.

"Okay now I'm fed up with it… Something's definitely wrong with them…" Pain said loudly and took another step forward; he could already see the pattern. And he was right.

"Pain, can I borrow some money?" Kakuzu demanded, his hand was up anticipating the money.

"I don't have any with me right now, get lost Kakuzu…" Pain said harshly but Kakuzu stayed silent.

Pain was about to ignore him and said the same thing once more until he noticed that Kakuzu was still there. "What?"

"You're a jackass… you could've told me more nicely…" Kakuzu said and walked away, sounding pissed and hurt.

Pain just shrugged although deep inside he felt guilty for acting like a jerk, but his concerns right now was to get things over with. He repeated the pattern and the next Akatsuki appeared. It was who he had expected. Hidan.

"What?" Pain asked Hidan his arms crossed.

"I want you to embrace my religion" Hidan said with a smirk.

"Rejected. Go away Hidan…" Pain said flatly and 'shooed' Hidan away.

"Ass…" Hidan muttered under his breath as he walked away.

The next person was Tobi, Pain waited for Tobi's demand but it never came, and instead they stood facing each other in silence. In the end Pain had it and decided to act first.

"Whatever it is you want, Tobi, I don't have it, so go away already"

"Won't you play with me?" Tobi asked in a childish manner.

Pain twitched uncontrollably and decided to just punch Tobi away. Once he was out of Pain's sight, he was rather delighted. He'd held his punches for too long he thought and decided to just punch the last Akatsuki member so he could be on his way.

"Pain…" a raspy voice called out at Pain, who was about to swing his punch but got evaded easily.

"Zetsu!"

"Yeah man, how was the shit? It got ya real good, ain't it?" Zetsu asked with a different voice. Pain was confused.

"What?"

"Oh well, I guess it's the end of the road, wake up already…" Zetsu said and Pain's surroundings began to blur.

The next second, Pain awoke, breathing hard and sweating. He looked around to see that he was on his bed. He sighed in relief and swore to himself.

"Damn that Zetsu… this is the last time I'm smoking his flying venus shit before going to sleep… it's too trippin'!"

After he cursed Zetsu once more, he went back to sleep.

End.

Actually no, wait, a lil' bonus fo' y'all...

Bonus

Pain went back to his slumber, to his surprise however; he went back to that dark dimension. Pain looked around in annoyance as he sweat-dropped.

"… Great… now why the hell would I come back here?"

Pain stopped looking around for a minute and tried to think. As soon as he found a theory, he began to count with his fingers.

"Hmm, let's see… There were Konan… Itachi… Kisame… Deidara… Sasori… Kakuzu… Hidan… Tobi… Zetsu… altogether… nine people, excluding Tobi who replaced Sasori… eight people… Akatsuki… there are nine people total in Akatsuki… including me… who else?"

Pain kept on asking himself, he has the feeling that he's missing something.

"Hmm, I think I'm missing something… someone… but what is it? Hmm… it's not good… I must solve this mystery or I won't be able to wake up… hmm, come on my beautiful brain, think… THINK! Who is left out?!"

Pain thought harder and harder, forcing his brain to dig into its memories. It is rumored that the Akatsuki leader has a short selective memory, so… yeah… hey, nobody's perfect, okay? Not even a shinobi… anyway on with the story…

"Aah! Not good, not good! I can't remember who or what I'm missing out!! AAAAHHH!!!"

Pain started to lose it until he felt something crawl on his skin. At first he ignored it but when the sensation became more _intense_, he couldn't help but notice and when his eyes were set on that 'something', his eyes widened… out of fear…

"T-T-Thi-this… c-c-c-ca-can't b-b-be…" Pain stuttered his face became sweaty.

A silver snake was crawling slowly and _passionately_ on Pain's skin. He couldn't help but have one name in his mind.

"… O-oh Lord… pl-please d-don't tell me it is who I think it-it i-is…" he said half praying as he turned his head around once more.

"Hey there, Pain… _I.Want.U.On.My… B.e.d…_" Orochimaru appeared behind Pain, demanding with a seductive pose which you guys wouldn't want to imagine… no, really you don't… unless ure an Orochimaru die-hard, then be my guest.

Pain instantly turned into stone, he completely froze with his eyes as wide and white as can possibly be and his jaw dropped to the ground. Then everything went pitchblack.

"WWWWHUUUUUAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Pain screamed from the top of his lungs which shattered every glass within 1 mile.

He panted heavily, his face covered in sweat, and he almost pissed his pants. Fortunately for him, I find him quite cool so I won't embarrass him further. No really, he's cool…

"T-That's it! I-I definitely won't smoke Zetsu's shit anymore…"

In Otogakure.

"WHHHUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!" a pale Sannin traitor awoke one night feeling very terrified.

"Orochimaru-sama! What's wrong?!" Kabuto entered his battle stance ready.

"K-Kabuto…. R-remind me to n-never sm-smoke crack b-before s-sleeping… no, rather… d-do not l-let me sm-smoke crack e-ever again!" Orochimaru stuttered, still feeling terrified.

Kabuto could only tilt his head and raised an eyebrow as he replied hesitantly, "Hai?"

Bonus...End

A/N: That's why kids, do not smoke or take any kinda drugs kay? Even bad people are terrified by its side effect… well, once in a while it's okay, but do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get addicted, 'kay? Ja ne


End file.
